Depression or Depressive?

Posted on May 16, 2012 by gerry

Depression or Depressive?

Is it depression or are you a depressive?  This is a probably a difficult question to answer as the symptoms are exactly the same for each condition.

Spirituality developed as the result of recognizing that some conditions are actually a ‘soul sickness’.

What this means is that the condition we suffer from is not ancillary to our being but is actually an indistinguishable part of it.  To be a depressive means that the depressive reaction to life is a part of your being and is something that has become automatic.

Depression for me falls into the same category.  Am I suffering from depression or am I a depressive?  To be instinctively reacting to situations in a depressive manner and then being unable to stop or change that behaviour, requires a personality change to fix it.

A personality change can be brought about by the practise of spiritual principles.  When I feel victimised by life I feel depressed.  In order to change this state of affairs I need to change my attitudes and practise new ones.

Practising gratitude is the best defence against depressive thinking and if practised long enough and hard enough will become a working part of your mind.  This is then a fundamental personality change.  What this personality change means is that your automatic reactions to life are now different.  A change in your thinking can be brought about by first changing your actions.  No matter how depressed or victimized you may feel, or want to feel, about certain situations in your life, you can actually practise reacting differently.  If you persist in the new behaviour then it will soon become a working part of your mind.

Motivation follows action.  If you persist in practising the new and positive reaction then the thinking will catch up, even if at first you feel the new reaction is a phony.  It will feel phony for a while because it is so different to how you usually have felt.

 

 

 

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Relationship Problems

Posted on May 2, 2012 by gerry

Relationship Problems.
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ~Dalai Lama
Self awareness is a commodity of far greater value than perfection. Simply because, the former is attainable whilst the latter is most certainly not.
Many ‘experts’ agree that all relationships are really a carbon copy of the first most important one in your life, usually the one with your mother.
People often mistake attraction for having a meaningful relationship. But actually having a relationship is the daily interaction with the person to whom you may be attracted. Relationship problems usually only start at a later date.
Quite often attraction is the result of seeing someone and feeling a sense of strong desire. The desire may be to get to know the person better or spend time in their company or may be purely sexual with little emotional content.
But there may be another less obvious attraction taking place. The one where you perceive that the other person has something you feel is missing from your own life and a relationship with them will supply the missing piece.
Sometimes this is money or social prestige and often can be an emotional factor which is less obvious, such as, feeling needed, self acceptance, emotional security or feeling safe and unafraid.

These needs are part of the human experience, but they can become toxic if dependence on them is absolute and dependence on a partner to supply them is acute.
This absolute dependence creates a situation where true relationship, one of give and take, is almost impossible. True relationship can only exist where give and take is spontaneous and the partners retain their dignity and personal autonomy. If this dignity and autonomy is sacrificed constantly to maintain the relationship then inevitably tensions will appear and make loving intimacy much more difficult.
The reason that people will sacrifice their dignity and personal freedom to maintain the relationship is because the other unmet needs are taking paramount importance in their life.
In such a situation one partner is cast as savior in the eyes of the other. But in reality the other is experienced as jailer. Any perceived threat that the relationship will end, throws the dependent partner into a panic, reinforcing their belief that only through the continuance of the relationship, can they survive.
Love sets us free is an oft repeated refrain, but the relationship partner who is living in a state of unmet needs is held hostage.
The core of relationship problems often lies within one or other of the partners and has manifested long before the relationship started.

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Relationship Secrets

Posted on May 1, 2012 by gerry

Relationship Advice

Relationships in general bring great meaning to our lives but if they are less than fulfilling, they can also bring great unhappiness.  Some relationship advice can also be of the desperation kind, ie ‘get one at all costs’

But any relationship poisoned by fear becomes toxic to the participants.  Any one or both of the people involved, who are living in fear of loss is really not living their own life and this can have disastrous consequences.

In a closed emotional relationship, with the emphasis on emotional dependency, the greatest fear is that the relationship will fail. This failure represents psychological death for one or both and panic is experienced over every minor tremor.

But in an ‘open’ or healthy relationship, this failure does not spell ‘death’ to the participants involved.   To a healthy individual, the loss of personal dignity or freedom would be seen as a far worse price.

The challenge of maintaining personal values and autonomy is a value far greater than the potential loss of the relationship.  This creates emotional stability in the partner and allows them to contribute to the relationship in a healthy and spontaneous manner.   This actually gives the relationship a much better chance of being fulfilling and happy and therefore lasting.

If a person in a relationship can become intimate to themselves, then this will enable them to become intimate to another.  Intimacy is really emotional sharing and true sharing can only take place when there is shared vulnerability.  If one partner, or both, is engaged in intense emotional defensiveness this sharing of vulnerability cannot take place.  Defensiveness is really a means of defending against perceived attack and the defenses cannot be dismantled when the threat is seen as still present.

Often people live in a permanent state of defensiveness which has originated as a response to a threat long past.  But the emotional consequences of the threat remain.  Just like post traumatic stress disorder, the event has passed but the emotional reaction to it persists.

This state of mind can be carried into any future relationship, especially if the original trauma was experienced in an earlier relationship.  A lot of unacknowledged grief and pain may have persisted and sabotaging present or future relationships.  The emotional confusion may be compounded by an intense desire on the part of the person to have a close intimate relationship with another.

The wall we build to keep others out can also keep ourselves locked in.   However the good news is that these walls can be dismantled, through gaining insight into their origin and why we are still using them to feel safe.  Even if some of our responses are automatic we can still break free through willingness to practice new behaviors.  Once we realize that the responses that keep us stuck are old defenses, we can consciously decide to indulge in new behaviors that better meet our true needs in the new relationship, or even in the present one, if we have been struggling for intimacy.

The best advice in any relationship issue is to understand, not to try and form a relationship with another, as a means of making up for the one that is lacking within yourself.

 

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Relationship Tips

Posted on April 18, 2012 by gerry

Relationships with other human beings go to the very core of what gives us meaning in our lives.  In fact the quality of these relationships has the power to make our lives amazing or absolutely horrible.

The trouble is there is no universal blue print for how to create and sustain a fulfilling and happy relationship.  So when things go wrong, anger, frustration and remorse are the norm for a lot of people.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Relationships like most human endeavors can be vastly improved when we learn and understand a few simple ground rules.

“Even with these dark eyes, a gift of the dark night, I go to seek the shining light” Gu Cheng.

The first relationship we have in life when we gain awareness is the relationship that develops with ourselves.  The nature of this relationship and how it develops sets the scene for all the other ones that follow.

If you see yourself in a certain light then it is likely that others you encounter will have a similar experience of you.

In order for our relationships to feel good we must feel deserving, attractive and positive about ourselves.

If our self – image is poor, it will have an adverse affect on our relationships.  Often people are embarrassed over who and what they find attractive and this can have a huge detrimental effect on their ability to be relaxed and spontaneous in any relationship.

We are constantly bombarded with images that society tells us are the norm for most people and if our desires are outside this ‘norm’, we may feel it best to deny them.  This denial may even drive us into relationships where we are less than happy but are not too sure why we are even in them.

For relationships to function well, both partners need to be able to get their needs met.  Mature people are those who instinctively know how to get their needs met, whatever their situation, and don’t feel compelled to sacrifice important values in their life in order to please the other.

To feel forced to live in a partnership where you have to ‘give up’ your true self, is to live in spiritual powerlessness and this fosters resentment, anger and frustration.

If the other person is seen as the cause of these feelings, then hostility can break out and further damage the chances of a successful union.

It is vital to know and understand what it is you want from the relationship and if these desires are compatible with the other person’s expectations.

 

 

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Addiction

Posted on April 17, 2012 by gerry

Addiction.

Addiction to many people is a very mysterious phenomenon and is widely misunderstood by the general public.

One of the problems with addiction is that its symptoms appear to be the underlying problem itself.

But another way to view it is to recognize that the symptoms are really the side effects of what the addict is doing.

We often hear addiction referred to as an illness but the medical profession has no remedy for this illness, they merely treat the symptoms.

The illness is characterized as a threefold illness, mental, physical and spiritual.  But most recovered addicts have the experience of recovering in all three areas when they address the spiritual malady.

The spiritual in this case can be known also as the ‘inner life’ of the sufferer.  This inner life experience is derived from the addict’s relationship with him/her self.

Essentially the addicted person is living in a state of inner turmoil, anxiety and discontent.  They then take a chemical, e.g. alcohol or drugs, or indulge in behavior, e.g. working or having sex, in order to relieve this inner turmoil.  The reality is that the inner turmoil is temporarily relieved but the relief soon passes and the addict must once again seek the solution by further indulging the addictive behavior.

This sets up a vicious cycle that ultimately traps the addicted person and they descend into a life of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.  The end result of this lifestyle is often death or frequent committal to mental institutions.

There is a point on this journey where the addicted person is unable, on his/her own resources, to halt this vicious cycle and where outside help is required to free them.  Experience of recovery has shown that the symptoms of the illness must be treated first before the addict can recover fully.

In other words, the alcoholic must stop drinking in order that the underlying condition can be addressed.  Experience has also shown that if the addict continues to indulge in the addictive behavior, a meaningful recovery cannot take place.

To start the recovery process, it is best if the addict can fully concede to their innermost self that continued use of their ‘drug’ can only have one outcome – disaster!

This is because the illness of addiction is progressive, with life damaging consequences, and over time gets worse, NEVER BETTER.  This is the dilemma facing the addict, to choose to live in this downward spiral or to make the decision to recover.

Motivation Follows Action!

 

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