Is it depression or are you a depressive?  This is a probably a difficult question to answer as the symptoms are exactly the same for each condition.

Spirituality developed as the result of recognizing that some conditions are actually a ‘soul sickness’.

What this means is that the condition we suffer from is not ancillary to our being but is actually an indistinguishable part of it.  To be a depressive means that the depressive reaction to life is a part of your being and is something that has become automatic.

Depression for me falls into the same category.  Am I suffering from depression or am I a depressive?  To be instinctively reacting to situations in a depressive manner and then being unable to stop or change that behaviour, requires a personality change to fix it.

A personality change can be brought about by the practise of spiritual principles.  When I feel victimised by life I feel depressed.  In order to change this state of affairs I need to change my attitudes and practise new ones.

Practising gratitude is the best defence against depressive thinking and if practised long enough and hard enough will become a working part of your mind.  This is then a fundamental personality change.  What this personality change means is that your automatic reactions to life are now different.  A change in your thinking can be brought about by first changing your actions.  No matter how depressed or victimized you may feel, or want to feel, about certain situations in your life, you can actually practise reacting differently.  If you persist in the new behaviour then it will soon become a working part of your mind.

Motivation follows action.  If you persist in practising the new and positive reaction then the thinking will catch up, even if at first you feel the new reaction is a phony.  It will feel phony for a while because it is so different to how you usually have felt.

Relationships in general bring great meaning to our lives but if they are less than fulfilling, they can also bring great unhappiness.  Some relationship advice can also be of the desperation kind, ie ‘get one at all costs’

But any relationship poisoned by fear becomes toxic to the participants.  Any one or both of the people involved, who are living in fear of loss is really not living their own life and this can have disastrous consequences.

In a closed emotional relationship, with the emphasis on emotional dependency, the greatest fear is that the relationship will fail. This failure represents psychological death for one or both and panic is experienced over every minor tremor.

But in an ‘open’ or healthy relationship, this failure does not spell ‘death’ to the participants involved.   To a healthy individual, the loss of personal dignity or freedom would be seen as a far worse price.

The challenge of maintaining personal values and autonomy is a value far greater than the potential loss of the relationship.  This creates emotional stability in the partner and allows them to contribute to the relationship in a healthy and spontaneous manner.   This actually gives the relationship a much better chance of being fulfilling and happy and therefore lasting.

If a person in a relationship can become intimate to themselves, then this will enable them to become intimate to another.  Intimacy is really emotional sharing and true sharing can only take place when there is shared vulnerability.  If one partner, or both, is engaged in intense emotional defensiveness this sharing of vulnerability cannot take place.  Defensiveness is really a means of defending against perceived attack and the defenses cannot be dismantled when the threat is seen as still present.

Often people live in a permanent state of defensiveness which has originated as a response to a threat long past.  But the emotional consequences of the threat remain.  Just like post traumatic stress disorder, the event has passed but the emotional reaction to it persists.

This state of mind can be carried into any future relationship, especially if the original trauma was experienced in an earlier relationship.  A lot of unacknowledged grief and pain may have persisted and sabotaging present or future relationships.  The emotional confusion may be compounded by an intense desire on the part of the person to have a close intimate relationship with another.

The wall we build to keep others out can also keep ourselves locked in.   However the good news is that these walls can be dismantled, through gaining insight into their origin and why we are still using them to feel safe.  Even if some of our responses are automatic we can still break free through willingness to practice new behaviors.  Once we realize that the responses that keep us stuck are old defenses, we can consciously decide to indulge in new behaviors that better meet our true needs in the new relationship, or even in the present one, if we have been struggling for intimacy.

The best advice in any relationship issue is to understand, not to try and form a relationship with another, as a means of making up for the one that is lacking within yourself.

The trouble is there is no universal blue print for how to create and sustain a fulfilling and happy relationship.  So when things go wrong, anger, frustration and remorse are the norm for a lot of people.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Relationships like most human endeavors can be vastly improved when we learn and understand a few simple ground rules.

“Even with these dark eyes, a gift of the dark night, I go to seek the shining light” Gu Cheng.

The first relationship we have in life when we gain awareness is the relationship that develops with ourselves.  The nature of this relationship and how it develops sets the scene for all the other ones that follow.

If you see yourself in a certain light then it is likely that others you encounter will have a similar experience of you.

In order for our relationships to feel good we must feel deserving, attractive and positive about ourselves.

If our self – image is poor, it will have an adverse affect on our relationships.  Often people are embarrassed over who and what they find attractive and this can have a huge detrimental effect on their ability to be relaxed and spontaneous in any relationship.

We are constantly bombarded with images that society tells us are the norm for most people and if our desires are outside this ‘norm’, we may feel it best to deny them.  This denial may even drive us into relationships where we are less than happy but are not too sure why we are even in them.

For relationships to function well, both partners need to be able to get their needs met.  Mature people are those who instinctively know how to get their needs met, whatever their situation, and don’t feel compelled to sacrifice important values in their life in order to please the other.

To feel forced to live in a partnership where you have to ‘give up’ your true self, is to live in spiritual powerlessness and this fosters resentment, anger and frustration.

If the other person is seen as the cause of these feelings, then hostility can break out and further damage the chances of a successful union.

It is vital to know and understand what it is you want from the relationship and if these desires are compatible with the other person’s expectations.

Addiction to many people is a very mysterious phenomenon and is widely misunderstood by the general public.

One of the problems with addiction is that its symptoms appear to be the underlying problem itself.

But another way to view it is to recognize that the symptoms are really the side effects of what the addict is doing.

We often hear addiction referred to as an illness but the medical profession has no remedy for this illness, they merely treat the symptoms.

The illness is characterized as a threefold illness, mental, physical and spiritual.  But most recovered addicts have the experience of recovering in all three areas when they address the spiritual malady.

The spiritual in this case can be known also as the ‘inner life’ of the sufferer.  This inner life experience is derived from the addict’s relationship with him/her self.

Essentially the addicted person is living in a state of inner turmoil, anxiety and discontent.  They then take a chemical, e.g. alcohol or drugs, or indulge in behavior, e.g. working or having sex, in order to relieve this inner turmoil.  The reality is that the inner turmoil is temporarily relieved but the relief soon passes and the addict must once again seek the solution by further indulging the addictive behavior.

This sets up a vicious cycle that ultimately traps the addicted person and they descend into a life of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.  The end result of this lifestyle is often death or frequent committal to mental institutions.

There is a point on this journey where the addicted person is unable, on his/her own resources, to halt this vicious cycle and where outside help is required to free them.  Experience of recovery has shown that the symptoms of the illness must be treated first before the addict can recover fully.

In other words, the alcoholic must stop drinking in order that the underlying condition can be addressed.  Experience has also shown that if the addict continues to indulge in the addictive behavior, a meaningful recovery cannot take place.

To start the recovery process, it is best if the addict can fully concede to their innermost self that continued use of their ‘drug’ can only have one outcome – disaster!

This is because the illness of addiction is progressive, with life damaging consequences, and over time gets worse, NEVER BETTER.  This is the dilemma facing the addict, to choose to live in this downward spiral or to make the decision to recover.

Motivation Follows Action!

The symptoms of an illness are the means by which a person can recognize that the illness is present.  Dependence on any substance or behavior highlights underlying problems and it is these issues that must be dealt with to enable a full recovery to a normal way of life.

A normal way of life that includes a total release from the compulsive/obsessive desire to depend on the drug or behavior that was formerly imprisoning the addict.  When this freedom is present in the addict’s life then real joy is present.

Most people who have experienced release from addictive acting out agree that addiction is a threefold illness, affecting the sufferer mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

It is therefore important that an holistic approach is taken to recovery.  Removing the symptoms, ie the drinking or drugging etc, is of course immensely helpful to the addict but it falls short of what is required to allow the sufferer to enjoy a happy and joyous life.

Often addiction recovery is seen as weaning the addict off their ‘drug of choice’.  But though this is vitally important it is but a first step to full recovery.

To ‘recover’ is to regain or reclaim something that you once had, and lost.  Keeping this in mind recovery then, is to reclaim the freedom from addiction that normal people take for granted.

Addiction recovery is often characterised as a journey and it is this journey back to wholeness that must be travelled.  Progress on the journey is facilitated through the maintenance of a spiritual condition.  This spiritual condition can also be described as ‘self-rigorous honesty’.

The core support of all addiction is self-denial and it’s opposite, self-rigorous honesty, is the core support of addiction recovery.  Self-rigorous honesty is difficult to practice for an addict, who is suffering from an illness, of which the chief characteristic is, self justification.

Recognising this, can be a massive aid in returning to a normal way of life.  This insight is important in keeping the addict humble, which is another way of stating that he/she remains teachable.  The experience of recovered addicts points to this vital ingredient in their new way of thinking.

A well rehearsed saying amongst recovered addicts states that, ‘in order to stop your drinking you must change your thinking’.

‘He who is convinced against his will, is of the same mind still’, reminds us of the perils of a recovery that is not wholly authentic.  The addict in recovery who has willing to undergo a fundamental personality change may find him or herself in a precarious position.  This is referred to as, ‘white knuckle sobriety’ or being ‘a dry drunk’.

Recovering addicts in this situation find that life remains stressful, lacking joy and spontaneity, which sadly are not the hallmarks of a full and meaningful recovery.

The symptoms of an illness are the means by which a person can recognise that the illness is present.  Dependence on any substance or behaviour highlights underlying problems and it is these issues that must be dealt with to enable a full recovery to a normal way of life.

A normal way of life that includes a total release from the compulsive/obsessive desire to depend on the drug or behaviour that was formerly imprisoning the addict.  When this freedom is present in the addict’s life then real joy is present.

Most people who have experienced release from addictive acting out agree that addiction is a threefold illness, affecting the sufferer mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

It is therefore important that an holistic approach is taken to recovery.  Removing the symptoms, ie the drinking or drugging etc, is of course immensely helpful to the addict but it falls short of what is required to allow the sufferer to enjoy a happy and joyous life.

Often addiction recovery is seen as weaning the addict off their ‘drug of choice’.  But though this is vitally important it is but a first step to full recovery.

To ‘recover’ is to regain or reclaim something that you once had, and lost.  Keeping this in mind recovery then, is to reclaim the freedom from addiction that normal people take for granted.

Addiction recovery is often characterised as a journey and it is this journey back to wholeness that must be travelled.  Progress on the journey is facilitated through the maintenance of a spiritual condition.  This spiritual condition can also be described as ‘self-rigorous honesty’.

The core support of all addiction is self-denial and it’s opposite, self-rigorous honesty, is the core support of addiction recovery.  Self-rigorous honesty is difficult to practice for an addict, who is suffering from an illness, of which the chief characteristic is, self justification.

Recognising this, can be a massive aid in returning to a normal way of life.  This insight is important in keeping the addict humble, which is another way of stating that he/she remains teachable.  The experience of recovered addicts points to this vital ingredient in their new way of thinking.

A well rehearsed saying amongst recovered addicts states that, ‘in order to stop your drinking you must change your thinking’.

‘He who is convinced against his will, is of the same mind still’, reminds us of the perils of a recovery that is not wholly authentic.  The addict in recovery who has willing to undergo a fundamental personality change may find him or herself in a precarious position.  This is referred to as, ‘white knuckle sobriety’ or being ‘a dry drunk’.

Recovering addicts in this situation find that life remains stressful, lacking joy and spontaneity, which sadly are not the hallmarks of a full and meaningful recovery.

If you wish to communicate with the author please go to gerry.savage1@virgin.net

Addiction itself is a many faceted illness and therefore recovery can take many forms.  In common with other illnesses addiction has both causes and symptoms.

The symptoms of an illness are the means by which a person can recognise that the illness is present.  Dependence on any substance or behaviour highlights underlying problems and it is these issues that must be dealt with to enable a full recovery to a normal way of life.

A normal way of life that includes a total release from the compulsive/obsessive desire to depend on the drug or behaviour that was formerly imprisoning the addict.  When this freedom is present in the addict’s life then real joy is present.

Most people who have experienced release from addictive acting out agree that addiction is a threefold illness, affecting the sufferer mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

It is therefore important that an holistic approach is taken to recovery.  Removing the symptoms, ie the drinking or drugging etc, is of course immensely helpful to the addict but it falls short of what is required to allow the sufferer to enjoy a happy and joyous life.

Often addiction recovery is seen as weaning the addict off their ‘drug of choice’.  But though this is vitally important it is but a first step to full recovery.

To ‘recover’ is to regain or reclaim something that you once had, and lost.  Keeping this in mind recovery then, is to reclaim the freedom from addiction that normal people take for granted.

Addiction recovery is often characterised as a journey and it is this journey back to wholeness that must be travelled.  Progress on the journey is facilitated through the maintenance of a spiritual condition.  This spiritual condition can also be described as ‘self-rigorous honesty’.

The core support of all addiction is self-denial and it’s opposite, self-rigorous honesty, is the core support of addiction recovery.  Self-rigorous honesty is difficult to practice for an addict, who is suffering from an illness, of which the chief characteristic is, self justification.

Recognising this, can be a massive aid in returning to a normal way of life.  This insight is important in keeping the addict humble, which is another way of stating that he/she remains teachable.  The experience of recovered addicts points to this vital ingredient in their new way of thinking.

A well rehearsed saying amongst recovered addicts states that, ‘in order to stop your drinking you must change your thinking’.

‘He who is convinced against his will, is of the same mind still’, reminds us of the perils of a recovery that is not wholly authentic.  The addict in recovery who has willing to undergo a fundamental personality change may find him or herself in a precarious position.  This is referred to as, ‘white knuckle sobriety’ or being ‘a dry drunk’.

Recovering addicts in this situation find that life remains stressful, lacking joy and spontaneity, which sadly are not the hallmarks of a full and meaningful recovery.

This advice sounds good, but does it actually work in practice?  Well the first thing to remember is that the chief characteristic of any addiction is denial.  Denial actually means that the addict is able to discard the reality of their situation and the disaster that is the inevitable outcome of their behaviour.

After all, it wouldn’t be much of an addiction, if someone was to point it out and the addicted person went immediately for treatment!  The problem is that the addict lives in a world of illusion.  A world that is supported by ideas that are protected by a closed mind, is necessary to allow the addictive behaviour to continue.

Rationalization is the chief talent of this sort of thinking.  Considering the previous experiences of addictive episodes the behaviour of the addict is absurd and incomprehensible as he or she sets out once more to continue the behaviour.  Most recovery programs require recognition from the addict that they are living in a state of insanity.  Unfortunately the word insanity conjures up a lot of prejudiced reaction but is best summed up as, ‘doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result’.

Just like putting your hand in the fire and getting badly burned, but being able to rationalize that the next time you do it, you will not get burned.  The type of sane thinking that most people use is strangely absent in the addict when it comes to continuing their addictive behaviour.

Constantly telling the addict that their behaviour is insane will get you nowhere, as, due to the illness they have a closed mind.  Often the worst person to be offering advice is the person closest to the addict.  Their very good advice is interpreted as unwarranted interference which can have the opposite effect of further alienating the addict.

Experience shows that the best person to get through to the addicted person is usually another addict who is in recovery.  Rather than appear to be judging the behavior, this person can calmly share their experience of addiction and their joy in recovery, and the addicted person is much less defensive.  With their defensiveness lowered, the addicts mind is more likely to be able to accept ideas that were formerly bitterly rejected by them.

Through identification with the recovered addict a psychic change takes place in the still suffering addict, leading in time to a miraculous release from all desire to continue the behaviour.

But there is often another perspective that goes alongside that of the addict and that is the person or people affected by the addicts’ actions.

People who are having a relationship with the addict are also trapped in the addictive cycle, often struggling alone to cope during both the active phase of the illness and even during the recovery journey.

Cessation or withdrawal is but the first step away from a highly strained abnormal condition.

The addict, their family and wider network of acquaintances, including employers often have developed ideas and roles through which they cope with what they find to be a very perplexing situation.

Addicts are a riddle to family and friends, often roaring like a tornado through the lives of others.  Sweet relationships are dead and emotional and financial security are forever stressed and under threat.

The natural reaction of those closest to the addict may be to try harder to get him or her to modify or stop their addictive behaviour.  After each attempt and another failure they become angry, resentful and disillusioned. “Why doesn’t the addict stop”?  Surely they must recognise the harm they are doing to themselves and their family.  Years of living with an addict would make a sceptic out of anyone.

Addiction is often characterised as a family disease, and addiction is often said to affect at least six other people.   Yet those other people who are affected do not actually suffer from the disease, but are suffering because of it.  Most people who are having any kind of relationship with an addict become mentally exhausted through their efforts to fix them.

The family member or other close acquaintance really needs to understand that despite their best intentions they are completely powerless over the addiction.  Living in a state of frustration and despair only adds to the dilemma.

Experience shows that detaching from the addiction is the surest way to help the addict.  Detachment means, to unconditionally stop taking responsibility for the addicts’ life.  Responsibility that the addict themselves need to start taking if they are to get well.

All addicts have enablers in their lives.  These enablers are people who take responsibility for the addicts’ life, responsibility that the addict ought to be taking.  Henry Ford is reputed to have said that the one thing of supreme value in life is experience.  If an addict is shielded authentic experience, they will continue to live in the sickness, unable to learn stark lessons.